


Infinitesimally Disillusioned

by IanThomasTaylor



Series: Infinitesimally [1]
Category: The Perks of Being a Wallflower - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bi Patrick, Bipolar Disorder, Charlie Is A Senior, Charlie's aunt, Depression, Drinking to Cope, Drug Use, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Multi, No sex between the trio until Charlie is of age, Not Canon Compliant, Patrick Is Bipolar, Patrick is bi for the purpose for the purpose of this story, Polyamory, Polyamory Negotiations, Secrets, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Trans Male Character, Underage Drinking, i'll only repeat this once, oof, patrick and sam aren't related for the purpose of writing this, they aren't related in this story, trans charlie, who's her own trigger warning, you know
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-04
Updated: 2018-10-29
Packaged: 2019-07-23 12:05:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16158641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IanThomasTaylor/pseuds/IanThomasTaylor
Summary: In which Charlie doesn't tell Sam and Patrick about his aunt, or the attempt, and everything spirals from there. A/N: Patrick and Sam aren't related in this story, but they still live together because Sam's parents in my version of this were very neglectful so Patrick convinced her to move in with him.





	1. Prologue

Charlie came out as trans during the soft, warm months of 11 years old, the year of hoodies with fraying strings and that old, rusted blue bike that sat in the garage forever, unused and beautiful in it's disrepair. The year of discarded dresses folded up in a box and given to kids of his mother's friends, kids he never even knew receiving ugly old dresses with his birth name scratched illegibly on the tags, and the oddly-layered haircut his brother gave him before he came out to the rest of his family, because he couldn't seem to ever keep a secret from Chris. Chris was the first person to support him, the one who he turned to when he wasn't sure he had anyone else to go to. He remembers standing in front of his family, all gathered on this ugly, patterned sofa that used to be grandma's before she passed, crying because he didn't know how to tell his family that he wasn't a girl, never had been. Chris had walked over then, and kneeled down, placing a comforting hand on Charlie's shoulder and waiting for him to decompress before helping him come out. 

Things changed, after that. They move all the way to Pittsburgh, because they want Charlie to have a fresh start in a place where nobody will ever recognize him from his past, where nobody has the chance to misgender him because he's always been Charlie there. They take him to a real barbershop and say goodbye to the sloppy cut Chris gave him a month or two ago, trading it in for a more masculine cut that Charlie picked out from the magazines. They don't have enough money yet to legally change his name, but when they enroll him in his new school, it's as CHARLIE Kelmeckis, and Charlie's never felt so much like he belonged as he did in that moment. That night, he goes home and throws everything that has his birth name on it into a bin and throws it out on the curb. His deadname is lost in the wind, carried away on the breeze and never used again

He only makes one friend during his first year living in Pittsburgh; a shy boy named Michael who only lives a few blocks away and thinks Charlie's book collection is 'astounding'. They became inseparable, only ever leaving each other when absolutely necessary and keeping a close eye out for each other. Maybe that's why Charlie blames himself so much for Michael's death. They had both gone through hell the May of 8th grade, but Charlie couldn't even begin to understand how much his friend was hurting. But Michael presented his mental issues in such a way that even Charlie didn't realize until it was too late. 

To Charlie, his depression made him an artist, using his pale white skin as a canvas for crimson freedom with a razor as his paintbrush. Michael's issues rested in empty syringes and crushed cigarette butts littering the prison he called his own home, and freedom was the loaded gun his dad accidentally left out of the safe that day. Charlie should've noticed. Michael had called him, that night, high and rambling about some new band he had just discovered. They talked for a while, about music and love and all those small things that seem so important when you're younger, but then Michael started acting a bit off.

He had been fine a minute ago; loud and rambunctious and generally happy to be chatting, but he suddenly grew quiet. Charlie tried to talk to him and find out what was wrong, but Michael just murmured a simple 'goodbye', and the line went dead. Charlie just waved it off as Michael being high and tired, and figured that they'd talk more about it tomorrow, when the fog over Michael's mind had cleared and their conversations would actually get somewhere instead of them just talking circles around each other. He couldn't have been more wrong that night. He should've said something. Should've called Michael's mom and told her that her son was acting strange and that she should keep an eye on him. That she should make sure her husband's gun was locked away in his safe and not somewhere where their son could get it. He should've called the police, too, just in case. But he didn't, because he was young and unaware of his friend's plight. How was he supposed to know that that goodbye would be their last?

After that, he makes an oath to help any person that he sees struggling in life, no matter what, even if they were a god-awful human being or a bully. He also vows to never let anyone know about the hell he's been through, because he's sick of all the pity he got from other students after Michael's death, students that used to laugh at them for being geeks and tease them in the halls. Students who had no right to pretend like they actually cared that his best friend had stuck a gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger. He messes up, sometimes, lets things slip that have been stuck in his head for far too long and eventually just come spilling out. Like his first party with Sam and Patrick, when he accidentally got high for the first time and, over an obscene amount of milkshakes, regrettably told Sam all about how his only friend shot himself. Luckily, he didn't completely fuck it up, and was still coherent enough to prevent himself from saying anything about how he also wants to swallow lead, and how he still writes letters to somebody who's been dead since May. In all honesty, he'd prefer to go his whole life avoiding that conversation. 

Over the passing months, Charlie developed a crush on Sam, even though he knew it was definitely unrequited, since Sam's a high school senior with a tendency to date shitty people and Charlie would like to consider himself a respectful young man. Strangely enough, however, even with his blossoming love for Sam, he feels like there's something missing; like there's always been this giant, gaping hole in his heart, and Sam's managed to fill up half of it, but there's still a missing piece. And he's not exactly sure what that means, let alone how to fix it. Why did his heart still feel incomplete, despite the fact that he's finally in love? Could he possibly be in love with more than one person, more than just Sam? Was that even possible? And who did his heart long for that his mind couldn't figure out? He was afraid, because loving three people is considered taboo and he's already enough of a freak. So he convinces himself he's only imagining things, and ignores his heart's aching desires despite the fact that he wants to feel complete.

He's so desperate to ignore his own longings that he'll take any distraction he can get, so when Mary Elizabeth asks him to the Sadie Hawkins, he agrees, although hesitantly. He doesn't really feel anything for her, but he figures it's better than staring at Sam the whole night and suffering. Of course, that's what ends up happening anyways, because Mary Elizabeth ends up in a deep conversation with Alice and practically ditches him for half the night, and Sam's standing across the room with Patrick, drinking her punch, and he figures she wouldn't mind him joining them. So they all talk for a while before Mary Elizabeth notices Charlie's absence and whisks him away to dance. 

When he and Mary Elizabeth relax at her house after the dance, she starts getting handsy with him. It's awkward, and very, very uncomfortable, and he's still not out to anybody but he doesn't want to disappoint her. So he gently rejects her attempts to get into his pants, claiming that he's not ready to lose his virginity yet, and then agrees to be her boyfriend to make up for it. He doesn't love her, there's still that empty void in his heart, but he doesn't want to hurt her feelings, either, so he just rolls with it, because he's sick of upsetting people. So of course he had to go and ruin everything.

He messes up, big time. They're all playing truth or dare at a party, and he's nestled between Patrick and Mary Elizabeth (although he'd much rather be in between Sam and Patrick, which feels weird because yeah he and Patrick are friends but since when did they develop such a close bond?) and Patrick dares him to kiss the prettiest girl in the room, and he passes right over his own girlfriend and kisses Sam intensely. Stupid, stupid Charlie. He can't even pretend to love somebody in order to keep them happy. How pathetic. Everybody hates him after that (except for Patrick, Patrick could never hate him, but that doesn't mean that Patrick isn't upset with him and currently avoiding him), and that's when things start spiralling. He's seeing things again, flickers of old memories of him and his aunt, and other things too, stuff he doesn't remember that feel so real that he starts being unable to tell the difference. He's close to relapsing, imagines himself dragging the small box of razors out from under his bed and going to fucking town, but he's strong enough to prevent himself from breaking his clean streak. However, that doesn't prevent him from digging his sharp, untrimmed nails into his tender flesh, tearing at his skin until droplets of blood blossom all over his arm, or skipping meal after meal, only eating the bare minimum necessary to keep himself alive. He's spiralling, worse than he's ever spiralled before, and he's not sure if he can stop it this time.


	2. Nothing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which maybe Patrick isn't nothing after all. (Trigger warning for self-harm)

He knows that Charlie seen his scars, the fresh, bright red lines littering his arms. He tries to keep it hidden from everyone, wears long-sleeve sweaters year-round and acts like he’s not overheating, but he knows that Charlie sees them in the occasional moments where his sleeves ride up, because there’s that little spark of pity in Charlie’s eyes whenever he looks at him. And of course Charlie would be the one to find him out, he’s a wallflower. But Charlie doesn’t ever ask him about it, never sits him down in private and tells him to stop. Instead, Charlie tries to prevent it through gestures and actions, even kind words when absolutely necessary. You’re not nothing, Patrick, he would say, holding him in a tight hug after watching Patrick attempt to discreetly scratch at his wrists after a bad day of torment and teasing. If Patrick didn’t buy a school lunch that day, Charlie would always offer him some of his lunch, giving him a look that silently pleaded ‘please eat it, I know things are hard right now but food is important’. And he’d eat as much as he could bear to handle, and then he’d smile wistfully and thank Charlie for the food, because what he was doing was really helping. But that wasn’t the case anymore. Charlie had messed up, big time, with Sam and Mary Elizabeth, and now he was expected to ignore Charlie as well. He didn’t want to, in all honesty, but he didn’t want to lose Sam either, so he stayed silent and cut Charlie out of his life. He didn’t deserve Charlie anyways. Because Charlie was everything, and Patrick was nothing.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Charlie notices, almost immediately, that Patrick is cutting again. It’s hard to get a good look at Patrick from across hallways, he’s used to being a lot closer, but it’s not hard for him to notice the bright red cuts every time Patrick reaches up to open his locker. He wants to help Patrick, like he used to, but with everyone ignoring him, he knew that trying to start a conversation right now was futile. Still, he keeps an eye on Patrick, and whenever Patrick is busy Charlie goes and slips words of encouragement into his locker. He knew Patrick was close to a burnout, especially considering the constant fluctuations between Patrick’s mania and his depression, but he wasn’t exactly sure how long it would be until it happened. And then Brad had to go and call Patrick a “faggot”. Charlie sits there, worried, praying that Patrick wouldn’t turn around, because he knew Patrick couldn’t handle a fight right now. Patrick turns around, and Charlie almost screams out for him to stop, but he can’t. He’s frozen in his spot, and he can do nothing but watch as Patrick throws that first punch, and then continues to sit there as the others gang up on him. And then he blacks out. When he snaps back to reality, his knuckles are bruised and Brad’s friends are collapsed on the floor in pain. Everybody’s staring at him like he’s a monster, and he wants to bolt from the cafeteria, but he refuses to leave Patrick there. He grabs Patrick by the arm and gently pulls him away towards the office.

When he finally gets done explaining the situation to the principle, he just wants to go back to lunch and think about things, so of course that isn’t the case. Sam’s waiting for him right outside, with a sad smile on her face. They talk for awhile, but Charlie feels emotionally drained and cuts their conversation short. He heads down one of the school hallways, and ducks into the nearest bathroom, figuring that there won’t be many people there to bug him. The minute he walks into the bathroom, he hears somebody sobbing loudly, and it’s so hauntingly familiar that he freezes in place and listens, trying to figure out who it was. He hears a broken whimper, a small cry of ‘nothing’, and that’s when he realizes that it’s Patrick. He makes his way over to the bathroom stall, giving a small knock so that he doesn’t startle him. 

“Patrick, it’s Charlie. Are you okay?” He asks, even though he already knows the answer. Patrick’s reply, a whispered no, doesn’t exactly surprise Charlie, but he’s definitely still worried. 

“Can you let me in? Please? I just want to help you.” Patrick sniffles, and cautiously opens the stall door just enough to let Charlie in. He’s sitting on the floor and staring at his arms, which are covered in fresh blood. He’s clutching a razor blade tightly in his right hand, and his face is a mess of tears. Charlie slowly sits down next to him, and attempts to coax Patrick into handing over the blade. It doesn’t take very long, Patrick’s clearly in a state of mental distress and is too drained to argue with Charlie. Once Charlie’s been given the blade, he slips it into his bag, to be thrown away later, and exits the stall. He grabs a bunch of paper towels, wets them under the sink, and returns to Patrick’s spot on the ground. He gently cleans the cuts, and his breath hitches when he sees the damage Patrick’s inflicted on himself. In addition to the obscene amount of cuts littering his arms, Patrick had also cut the word ‘Nothing’ into his skin, deeper than all the rest, but luckily not deep enough to require stitches. Charlie finishes cleaning all of the cuts, and then tentatively cradled Patrick against him, rubbing his back gently as the older man sobbed into his shirt. Eventually Patrick wears himself out and falls asleep in Charlie’s arms. Charlie doesn’t have the heart to force Patrick to go back to class after everything that just happened, so he ends up skipping the rest of the school day. He figures he can miss a day, since he’s never done so before and all his grades are good enough to survive one half-day of skipping. He manages to wake up Patrick enough to get him out of the school and into his car, but he has to put a lot of effort into convincing Patrick to relinquish the keys to his beloved. 

Patrick’s house is empty. It’s always empty during the school day, his mother’s rarely ever home anymore. It’s then that Charlie remembers Sam. She doesn’t know about the situation yet, and she’s probably gonna be worried when Patrick’s not there to drive her home. But he’ll focus on that problem later. Patrick’s way more important right now. He shakes Patrick awake, mumbling quietly to him that he can go right back to sleep in a minute, they just need to get inside real quick. Patrick groans, but otherwise complies, stumbling his way up to the front door. Once they get in the house, they head straight to Patrick’s room. They both lay down on opposite sides of the bed, and Charlie waits until he thinks Patrick’s fallen asleep again before he moves to get up. He was wrong, however, and Patrick lets out a low whine and flips over onto his side, eyes glossed over and barely awake, and cuddles against Charlie’s side.

Charlie doesn’t give that moment much thought until a few days later, when they’re at the park and Patrick lurches forward and kisses him. In that moment, a realization struck Charlie, a truth that he had been trying to deny since he first started hanging with Patrick; he was utterly and thoroughly in love with him. He loved Sam too, though, and he didn’t understand why his body was so confused. So he let Patrick kiss him, but he didn’t deepen it, because he was scared. And then Patrick breaks down crying, muttering I’m sorry over and over on an endless loop, and Charlie feels guilty, because he loves Patrick, and he should say something now before it’s too late. So he tilts Patrick’s head up, looks into his tear-filled eyes, and kisses Patrick back, deep and longingly, and leaves him breathless. That night was the turning point. Finally, Charlie accepted the fact that he loved Sam and Patrick, and finally, Patrick began to realize that maybe he wasn’t “nothing” after all.


End file.
